Of A Sort

. o O ( and then... suddenly... after all this time... this needed to come out ) O o .

She called me BFF, she has no time for me. for many years we lived together, i was there for her anytime, in the middle of the night when she was sick, the go to ride whenever she needed a ride, to talk her down from self-harming, whatever the hour - to the airport, appointments, when her car was serviced, if there was ever an emergency, i'd drop everything and be there, i even paid most of the bills for the years we lived together and then she fell in love and i was so happy for her and then moved 20 minutes away and we never see each other like we live a million miles apart and just when I needed a friend most, she stopped being there for me at all. Maybe she never really was. That last thought is even more painful than being abandoned.

You think you know me?

Dietary Decisions

Some of you may know that I chose to eat a vegetarian diet for many years and chose to live a Vegan life for a few years. Ethical considerations were even more influential than health at those times in this life, though there may have been a lot of health benefits as well. Along the way I continued learning about diet and decided to return to eating meat. The initial and primary cause was personal economics, but taste bud pleasure and social interaction supported the decision. Ultimately, the meat industry is cruel and I would prefer all of my food to grow on organic farms. For the moment, after reading, pondering, and growing (which includes growing more cynical and disillusioned with humanity, though that is not the primary impetus for my reasoning), I decided that I will live as an omnivore. This thought stream is not about whether I am a victim or supporter (or both) of the current self-destructive suicidal human culture (feel free to discuss it as you wish). It is about wanting to go to the 2016 Festival of Bacon. Wanna come?

Nothing Magical

No, there is nothing magical here tonight. Just me stopping by to say I am still alive. Catching up has not been the wondrous creative experience it can sometimes be (especially when I have the time) and maybe that is because I tied myself so solidly to a weekly routine of interaction with others that do not venture into the imagination or the physical world as I do when I am flying on my internal highs. Listening to Melissa Etheridge tonight has reminded me of how far I've wandered from myself (questions?). A moment of lucidity brings this musical memory of me...

the deluze edistion of the original album


the simple original album (if you don't have the time)


the amazingness of live



More More More

What is Love?

Love is relative. I sensed a friend who asked the title question was focused on the love between people, but I thought it through from the big picture encompassing all love and in all meanings of the word I believe it is strongly based on how something or someone makes us feel. I think that we are all self-motivated if we can we strip away the political correctness and education about "how to be good" we get growing up. Even those who are powerfully altruistic find great joy in the act of giving and helping others. We may not want to see it that honestly for it can be viewed as selfish, but it is only selfish if it is not honest. Honesty and love make us very vulnerable and that risk can distort our perceptions, blocking love we might want to give or receive and giving or accepting as love that which may not actually be love. Within the fear of the risk of loss, in this life, most of us have little time each day to stop and feel and share the stillness inside where love comes from. Too many give up and settle for less depth and quick emotional rushes.

For instance, when I click "Love" on Facebook, I sometimes am sending a hug from the deepest part of my being and sometimes I am loving the idea someone shared. It can be an easy and perhaps diminished experience of love as is many online or offline experiences can be in our world today. That may be all some people want out of love, to hear (or read) caring words. Some want complete immersion of every facet of being and life, a sense of two beings becoming one (and believing that can happen is not always easy in this world as I've been there and have the scars to prove it lol). Ultimately, I believe love is an individual experience and that experience defines love for that individual. Two who share the same experience share the deepest love.

At least that is my experience, so right or wrong, it's right for me.

Dressed and Ready

How do you talk to someone who hurt you when you want them to stay family and yet they simply do not keep their word and omit that fact from any conversation as they smile and tell you they love you every day? I suppose you get busy with life and seldom see them and ignore the hurt whenever you do see them. So I am sitting here dressed and ready to head out to lunch with Jackson and wondering if I will be able to not mention any of the depressing reality stressing me out to the point where it is interferring with sleep and probably causing some nightmares about abuse. I so rarely remember dreaming, but lately have been awakened by nightmares a few times and that simply sucks. I must delve into it and resolve issues and process information differently so my mind stops that. Moving on and letting go, yes, that is part of it. Finding another job will allow me to do that. Obviously that is one reason I am not looking for a job. The bottom line is that I do not want to move on and let go, I want to believe in Jackson and believe she will follow through on her promises. So I am dressed and ready to go to that party and just waiting for her to start. Until then, I'll go to lunch, her treat, and talk about anything she wants to talk about. Family.

Will Work For Money

I will work for food too, but I have a car to pay off and I really do not want to lose it. That is a scary thought and writing this is painful. I have always been so stubbornly independent and self-sufficient and will remain so, but I can appreciate help at the moment. I am not working and have been struggling to find a job while also struggling to make ends meet. Anything you can spare will help and please know your generosity will be blessed in words or anonymously as you wish. Name your reward and I will do everything in my power to give it to you.

PO Box 162843
Altamonte Springs, FL 32716

Job offers are very welcome.

Yes I did (Go There)

I refer to this entry, in which I referenced my libido and what attracts me physically, sensually, sexually, and beyond the written word, in case it matters. The linkage to more information about what inspires me to want a friend to become a lover (you thought maybe I would not have a blog for that?) and what makes my Libido tic (and toc and wanna dance, for starters) and ways of my heart and mind (see the BIOS for a start) are popping up again thanks to the physical labor I did not expect to do, but enjoyed doing today. I even included photos (won't that get you to click on the links lol lam laa). If you want to be my lover, you may need to jump through hoops. At least read more and ask questions. Yes I did go there. Why so serious? If you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words. It is this simple. You simply must understand or take it on faith, in my world, especially in intimacy, unconditional trust rules.

The Phone Rings

For a very long time I've had a distinguished love-hate relationship with the phone. It was talking on the phone that brought me a magical sense of awareness of the power of human conversation and then, the most intensely uncontrollable love of this life. We would fall asleep with the phone next to our ears and wake up with each other. It was talking on the phone that, years later, became some of the most painful mental torture I'd ever know as I let someone put my life on hold for almost a decade. These days, the cell phone is small and holding it to my ear is very uncomfortable. The speaker is useless. It is old so it must it be plugged to stay alive during any call longer than ten minutes which tethers me to a very short cord. Reception at home is terrible at best. The only comfortable and enjoyable phone conversation is hands-free in the car. So I rarely answer the phone unless I am driving and not using navigation. The phone rings, somewhere inside me cringes from old memories, the conscious me looks at the phone and says, Why don't you just text me?

Just in case you ever call. :)

Blogging Lives

What I do in this blogging life (blogging being an adjective in that sense) is crave sharing and that just may be the ultimate primary reason I started and continue this blogging life (in this case, blogging becomes a verb) and these blogging lives (still a verb) and then some, in case it matters. After any day or experience no matter how exciting or fun or wonderful (or sad or tragic, for that matter), the thing I want to do most is share, tell someone about it, make it a memory by sharing it with someone who cares about this blogging life (adjective again) as I experience it. When there is no partner to come home to or with whom to share this blogging life (adjective), I want to write about the experience(s) so I can give myself the illusion of sharing it as the experience is shared in words even if no one is reading at the moment and also the experience is shared in words for posterity anytime anyone might want to know what I experienced. This blogging life I live becomes this and these blogging lives that you can read.

When did I lose you? (laughing and hoping I didn't) :)

In Case It Matters To You

Yes, I am fine and you can find all the years are marked in time in blogs and so much more (and more) as they pass (the last eight) and you can go back even further and even back further still and if you look for it you can find history almost to the very beginnings of what we might call me (who me?) and that (and this) is just the fraction of the writings that have made it online, I mean, in case it matters to you (Get it, in case it matters to you). Yes, I know, there is a lot and today there is still more and that just scratches the surface of this life in words and images and video and music and bullsugar you can find on the web. From brief philosophy to news of the world to songs you never heard to wordz from who knows where the fundamental truth is self-evident for anyone to find and I'll repeat in case you wonder or have any concern that I am fine in case you think I've lost my mind.

A Message for a BFF

I was really disappointed that we did not get together to share either of our birthdays the way I thought we used to, but maybe my memory is skewed by rose colored glasses and we were never as close as I wanted us to be. Still you said all the right words that we would be best friends forever and what do best friends do if not get together on their birthdays to celebrate being alive in this world. I need to say that I am sad we drifted apart so quickly.

Though it was not private or a dinner, not a special time just for the two of us, I was looking forward to seeing you at the fields before or after your game and I went off my budget and bought you a Happy Birthday balloon as a surprise in the dugout with a dancing Snoopy card (Pooh is there in spirit too) and a cupcake (your favorite chocolate peanut butter caramel). I am eating the cupcake and the balloon sits deflating in the car, kind of like my heart.

I know you work late hours and the work you do is precious and you have very little time for yourself so I do understand you not having time for me or us but I still want a moment to remind you.

I still celebrate your birthday and every day I knew you here and now in these words (and with the cupcake) cuz I love you and shout yay that you're alive. I don't want you to feel guilty, even though I know you will (stop that). You know better than anyone, I just want to be real.

I want you to know I meant the words I said. You will always be my family whenever you may need me and if you ever want to talk, be serious or serious, happy or sad, work or play or just celebrate life, or just share a moment of reassurance that you are loved and worth a lot, I will be here.

The cupcake was really good :)

Love us :)

Days Go By

Time is such a relative measure in this life, especially when there is high stress or when life is busy. Sometimes it has profound meaning. Sometimes it is the most meaningless concept I can imagine. Babbling seems to speed it up. Waiting seems to slow it down. Paying attention sometimes seems to slow it down as well and not paying attention seems to do the opposite, but logic suggests time itself does not move at different speeds in our normal daily lives. Maybe it has something to do with whether we take it personally or not. Let's get personal for a moment. It has been five months since I stopped working (and it feels like an eternity), six months since Happiness left our lives (and it feels like only yesterday) and four months since Jackson broke the news that she was moving in with Brandi (and it feels like much less time has passed), four months since I paused writing in the daily blog (e)thereal that I filled with almost seven thousand entries over the previous almost eight years, just thirty-one days since I moved into this unfinished room (and it seems like I've been here forever), almost two weeks since I've seen Jackson (and it seems like much longer), and forty-two days since I began writing in the current two-step dance (daily blog set) In Case It Matters and Dirt, Drama, and Details and both have almost fifty entries in what seems like a blink of an eye.

Why do we keep track of time, anyway? lol sigh :)

Losing Interest in FB

It was fun for a while as I was creating pages as repositories for lots of the things I was finding and reading, but I am losing interest in Facebook now that most of the pages are blocked because my account was blocked because I have been known on Facebook by an online name since I got there. Most of my thousands of friends are gone as I don't have time to find them all and send them individual messages explaining who I am and why the account was blocked. Many do not allow contact from strangers so poof, I disappeared overnight. The pages I was creating (with others, so maybe they will keep a few going) were in their infancy but they were inspiring, reflecting, nocturnal, stimulating, amusing, and musical, stuff. I also collected articles and videos about life, social, national, awful, questionable, political, religious and various other topics I thought worth saving and sharing. In my odd way I was trying to help us survive Bugs Webbot was my Facebook name for almost ten years. Thousands of people, communications, posts, and personal and fun photos others tagged me in are out of reach now. It feels like a violation of privacy and very unfair. Ideas are welcome. So are friends, old and new.

Trust the Internet

Ridiculous, but we do it. Bloggers load their words and images and art and crafts and hopes and dreams on to the web and a simple server crash could erase them forever. Give your photos and music to Instagram, Flickr, DeviantArt, Soundcloud and you give them to others. Even your personal websites are sitting on someone else's computer. The Cloud is just someone else's hard drive. Facebook can block or delete everything you put on their site because it is their site, not yours. MySpace did it to millions and like lemmings they migrated to Facebook as if it could never happen again. here is an example of ten years of words and pictures, an internet person's life, simply erased by Facebook. It should be a crime akin to psychic murder, but Corporations are People, not us. Welcome to the brave new world.

Regurgitation

For what it's worth (in case it matters), I edited and slightly updated this entry which is an extension of this entry which should also be edited and slightly updated for the same reasons I edited and updated the previously mentioned and linked post, but that is still more than four month old news and even though it matters, I really ought to be moving on (just don't get lost in the shuffle and time warps and even more, don't lose what was just to try to find what is because you'll never find what you're looking for if you leave too much behind).

Editing, I suppose, is mental regurgitation.

More to Say

The world is not always so easily explained or categorized which may be one way to explain why there are so many blogs coming out of this one head. See right here the example of the premise presented as if any one blog could make sense if it received a dozen or few dozen or more entries a day (what would a community site like Facebook say to that?) from an infinite number of directions. Until the plug was pulled, it was b e g i n n i n g ... a l r e a d y ... h e r e ... y o u ... s ee?

Blurry Eyes

When fatigue reaches a point that eyes blur, it is probably time to close the eyes and sleep and yet, the hunger to share, the hunger to live, the hunger to write, the hunger to care... screams out loudest in the darkest hours of the night when the words demand that I write and write and write and I don't want to fight myself or the muses that fill every shelf with the dream I used to believe in so much before I rendered myself out of touch and if this makes any sense to you... you know what to do.

Reach out if you care.

The Footrest is Up

I sit for the first time in the recliner with the laptop on my lap in the new place. This space is very different than the old space. It is an unfinished apartment with openings in the walls and ceiling. Concrete floor that I a half dozen carpet remnants on for foot comfort. Electricity is on, hopefully hot water next week. I still need to disinfect and scrub and disinfect the shower a few times before I will use it even with hot water, but especially with cold water. Lifestyle adjustments must be made when income disappears and retirement planning was cast aside for the pleasure of giving and sharing and taking care of others. I have learned from the past and have some savings this time, but not for the long term and I don't plan on leaving this life anytime soon so I will find income again before savings runs too low, but once again the bittersweet lyrics roll through my head. Never thought I'd be alone... this far down the line.

I must unpack the music.

99.99%

The move is all but done. I have one box (actually a kitchen garbage can) full of stuff that would not fit into my car today. All the cleaning items and a few more drying over the sink and that's it. Tomorrow I pick those up and drop off the keys and that place is in the rear view mirror as is living with Jackson. While she is one of the best roommates I ever had (sadly, few kept in touch for various reasons we will leave for another discussion) and she will always be family (and hopefully keep in touch, if not stay close), I (putting my convenience and needs aside so nobly like a true altruist, which is only a few puffs away from an alchemist, but that's another flashacbk for anothert time) hope she will not be back this time because that will mean the relationship with Brandi is working. We both want that more than anything (though a relationship that works for me just might nudge it out of first on my scale of most wanted things in this life, but back to reality now with the usual touch of self-mockery). Yup, the new life... starts... here.

I must unpack the music.

We interrupt this blog before it begins for this brief announcement.

Rather than ask is there no end to my madness? or even is there no end to the expansion of the written gardens? (or blogging life, I will simply state there may be no end (and apparently none in site) so let's annouce the addition of two (or four) new blogs. Paragraphs (of a sort) was inspired by the first two paragraphs written kicked back in the recliner in the new space on Sandy Lane (does the name connect?... time may tell.......) and Paragraphs of a Life even though they have yet to actually begin and we have not announced yet the two new blogs which have begun, In Case It Matters to You which is a brief daily synopsis of life as I know it (and live it) in case it matters to you and Dirt, Drama, and Details which is an expansion on the brevity of In Case It Matters to You in case the dirt, drama, and details matter to you as well.

Maybe you just had to be there.