You Said

You may have even promised. You are not alone. More than a few have promised. You said you were my BFF, what did that mean to you? Best friend forever? Obviously not. You said you would never abandon me like everyone else did in this life. You said you understood how much that hurt. You said you would pay back all the money you borrowed and stole. we never even figured out how much, but you forgot or ignored what you said. You abandoned me and only really talk to me when you need something, money, support, something. The memes and emojis are not really sharing. They are not asking how are you? as if you really want an answer, as if you really care. I don't understand how you can disassociate from the promises, from the words you said, and pretend it does not hurt me. You seem to want reassurance of some sort, a smiley face response to your smiley face. I give it because that is who I am. A child desperate for someone to care about me and not abandon me. You said you did. You said you wouldn't. Where are you now?

Torn

Still idling and avoiding the one before. Torn. Yes, there's a song in the title and es, it's probably the one you are thinking of. I am torn between respecting the privacy just about everyone seems to want and expressing myself freely and openly on the web which is what I want. how to I express myself freely and share my life openly when people in my life do not want any mention of any conversation we might have online? It makes no sense to me to hide your live away no matter how much hurt can come from trusting and sharing and caring. IT makes no sense to me to give any less than everything to the dream of finding the one who shares as I do, cares as I do, sees and hears and feels as I do. I do not understand why anyone would want to live alone and hidden from the world when for me, sharing is what life is for. Yet again and again I am told that something I wrote hurt someone I care about because the words they inspired me to write were private. As if I am violating their privacy by letting them inspire me to express myself. It hurts me to think my words expressing who I am hurt someone. But this is my dream, to quest for understanding here, there, and everywhere. How can I actualize my dream of sharing me if I hold back who I am?

Avoiding, Maybe?

My first thought is not really avoiding, maybe procrastinating and then I think, not really procrastinating, maybe stagnating and then I think, not really stagnating, maybe idling and then I think, yeah, idling is more than any of the other descriptors what I am doing in life these days. Maybe this is a reminder that I have not made a record of a life entry in ages (right?). Maybe this is a reminder that I have not made an entry here in this blog in ages. Yes, avoiding the previous entry. Yes, procrastinating about moving into a more comfortable space because the uber conveniences of my current location. Yes, stagnating on a few levels, but that requires a whole lot more time and words and analysis. Yes, idling, that is where I am at today. Waiting to see if anyone cares (especially one) but that does not keep me where I am. What keeps me idling in a comfort zone and settling for less comfort and a whole lot less space and amenities and stuff of my own, but convenience. 6 blocks from work. Enjoying self-indulgences and daily pleasures. Saving $, mostly. A change would be welcome, but only a change for the better, overall. Feel free to apply within. :)